compassion = sorrow & No Money??

Thank you  WordPress.com. for giving me a site to get help.

To all the good people out there, this is my first time blogging out of stress and out of helplessness, SO HELP ME PLEASE!!!

Sigh! Another day gone. Why is my life like this?I come from an average family. Not extremely rich by definitely not very poor. Didn’t know why but when I was in school, I didn’t concentrate when teachers were teaching. When i reached 30, only then I know that studying is really easy. But it was only when i passed 40 that i realized that having a degree makes a lot of difference to my life and happiness.Why do I feel so?It started off like this: Four and a half years ago, I had a same reoccurring dream 3 times in 6 months. I dreamt of a special school for the disabled. The name of the school kept appearing in my dreams. Upon waking up, seldom in my dreams do i remember the details so clearly, but for this dream, i could see the School’s name so clearly. After 9 months had passed, I decided to give this place a try and worked as a DAILY RATED relief teacher. Too bad, my then well paying full time job required me to work only for them solely, thus I had to choose one. I then choose to work with the disabled…. Thinking back, I do sometimes wonder if I had made the right decision. Why did I leave a good branded company who has bosses who looked at staff’s performances, work attitude, personality …. rather than paper qualifications? Salaries there were based on performances, never qualifications!!! It’s definitely good to have qualifications but doesn’t mean that “all As certificate person” can be a good worker.

Life in the school is not all beautiful.

Although I appreciate and count my own blessings now, I do sometimes feel sad, traumatised, hopeless and helpless there, partly because :
1) of the poor children in the school,
2) a few teachers who think they know everything, who like to put words into my mouth, treated my like a slave, bad-mouthing me to others. Always assuming, asking me to do risky jobs although i won’t be paid when i get injured, asking me not to hold certain children when these children are runners. (probably want me to get into trouble with authorities, parents, school, etc)
3) and my only daughter who started to have epilepsy at the age of 14 (puberty period). It’s around the time of my repeating dreams.
4) low gross income with a lot of work after office hours – all these suggested by that particular new senior teacher. I didn’t need to do these before she came. Hope she will get her retribution one day.

I feel traumatised cause, as a LOWLY EDUCATED relief teacher, teachers with DEGREES or who have worked much longer always feel more superior than us. Its such, big fish eat small fish world. I may have a wealth of experience elsewhere but when I joined this school, i become a junior.

POOR CHILDREN
What made it worst was that I get to hear sad stories behind each child. Most of these disabled children come from poor or broken families. Their parents normally split/divorce because they are not able to take the pressure of having a less than normal kid. Our school caters to those with more severe disabilities, some have problems walking, some have multiple problems, autistic, fragile x, Williams syndrome, cleft, epilepsy, tics, downs syndrome, cerebral palsy, degeneration of everything, global delay or mental retardation. Some of the parents can have only one child, maybe because of their age or other reason, and their only one child has to be here in this school. It’s heart wrenching! If I am the parent, i might not have the strength to go on in life. Who will take care of me when I am old, who will take care of the child when the parents have gone?

NICE TEACHERS
Life might not be so bad if I get great teachers working as a group to help improve the lives of these children: to teach them, … to love them. YES, there are some nice real teachers and seniors, really beautiful inside and outside, fair, honest and not bias, listening to all, students, co-teachers, colleagues. There are a few who are so so generous by spending a lot of their own personal money on these children. Unfortunately some of the good and talented have left or are leaving.  But there is are a few out to bad mouth me. I wonder is it my birth number that is causing all these. My birth number is 27.

LOW GROSS YEARLY INCOME
In school, I do what a full time teacher does, the only things that I don’t need to do are goals and CCA. Being a daily rated person, I thought I only needed to work according to the hours accordingly to my contract. But for me, I need to do IEP during school holidays, lesson plans on week days, customised materials during my free time for individual students. Not that i mind, but i don’t feel the appreciation from the school. It’s like a must. But checking with other schools, the full time teachers do it, the daily rated worker just apply the steps or lesson plan! I wonder, who is the slave driver???? Some teachers with degree just need to look after three to four students for 4.5 hours and they are paid about US$20,000+ in a year with 3 months holiday (literally work 200 days for 4.5 hours)!! I work the same 200 days for 4.5 hours at US$5,000.

HORRIBLE TEACHERS
You are probably wondering why there are some teachers bad mouthing me? Well it wasn’t so when this new Senior Teacher came. She was from another special school. In the beginning, my life with her was OK. She being new, she wanted to impress the bosses. She wanted to change the world, etc. I think it’s alright, right? Three of us were in charge of the more special students, the more difficult ones, those who can’t talk. When she found out that the students were not that easy, she started using the non-humane method. She started to use rubber bands to snap at the children’s sensitive chin/neck area. She would herself or ask another teacher to hold the hands of certain autistic children near their wrist when they were difficult, you can see the children’s hands turning purplish due to lack of blood circulation. I wonder, does the child know what he did wrong to warrant the punishment? Can you imagine the fear in the child? Using bitter nail biting medicine to paint the children’s mouths. Not applying on one child alone but quite a few, at least four of them had it applied on their mouths and hands. No big deal, right? Oh, to let you know, the brush is not washed or sterilized after applying. Still no big deal, right?. Just for info, one of these children will eat his own stool or other people’s stool when there’s a chance. Does Hepatitis A, B, C spread this way or other transmittal diseases : AIDS, stomach ulcers and human parasitical worms? On the wound, there would be some blood or some blood on the teeth. One day, when a mother called up to enquire why her child vomited and when this senior teacher covered her own butt did I realise that it’s time for me not to do as instructed after bottling up for so long about cruelty. I told her I don’t want to do those things and that was when life for me changed. HELL started for me. . . . . .

When I doing my work in class, she would say that “It looks like you are not teaching this child…, you shouldn’t be doing this…” over and over again. She would begin to slave me, “Do this” “Do that” “Collect this” “Collect that” “Put this back.” etc. I was made to do her unimportant work. What about my own students’ IEP to complete? How am I be able to complete them? What frustrates me is that, by accusing me of not teaching a particular child and showing more attention to another hurts me. My Principal saw me making huge improvement in a severely autistic boy and praised me. What she saw is not the truth. How do you feel if someone accused you of doing something that you didn’t do, not once but many times?. Why must she “close her eyes intentionally” when I made an improvement in the serverely autistic student academically. You just can’t work non-stop with some students,  especially those severely autistic, they can only work for a very short time only. Too bad that she had to look at me only at the wrong time….. when I am concentrating on the other student. She would tell me not to hold a particuliar boy, but is she trying to get me into trouble?? The father of boy has told me that he will run off when he is not held. Is she trying to get me into trouble??? I was so afraid that I went on urgent leave on the day of travelling. WHY?? She is my senior, if I go against her, she will report to say I am not co-operative, and if I listen to her, boy will run off.  

What about herself? Why must be behave this way? When the boss says he is visiting our classroom, suddenly she will take out so much materials or work sheets for the children to do. Otherwise, her few students would be playing with the usual things, such as play dough, same old work sheet, rubber ball, etc. Both co-teachers are scatter brains, leaving this here, leaving that there, leave IEP inside the public transport bus, leave chair, materials, books, . . . elsewhere in another classroom without taking back, asking back for things that they didn’t loan, blah. blah. blah.. They will so suck up to the bosses and the more influential people. They will show that they are some damsel in distress, damsel trying to help but others not co-operative, …. They can always be seen in the Principal’s office laughing, letting out their grievances, …. and the principal is so easily influenced. HA HA. She would badmouth me that I am not co-operative, argumentative, not working or lazy, . . . . Would ‘junior’ teachers or senior teachers listen and believe her who is a permanent senior teacher or would they bother to side the defenseless daily rated relief teacher????? Have you guys been in my situation before. Should I be stressed???

Why do they like to pick on me? Is it because I am the most junior or is it because I have seen certain secrets that the new Senior Teacher inflicted on her students to impress the bosses. I have the most PECS (picture exchange cards) available, in colour and/or black and white. I collected them through these years. My collection is much more than all the teachers combined! I don’t think I am lousy cause I am always early to school, makes materials at home, specially bought a computer and laminating machine to prepare IEPs, worksheet, materials, go round places taking necessary photographs for teaching, collecting pictures from newspapers, magazines to make PECS for children with autism and those who can’t talk, art uses, etc.
But I came to realise the power of disagreeing with unfair people who cannot take “NO” or reasoning for their answers. You all reading, might know or understand what I mean.

TAKE NOTE, I AM ONLY EARNING GROSS TAKE HOME PAY OF LESS THAN US$5,000 IN A YEAR, NOT IN A MONTH!!!! I TAKE IT THAT I AM DOING CHARITY WORK FOR THE UNDERPRIVILEGED!!!

LITTLE MONEY
But I am not a quitter. I don’t give up so easily. Money was not really an issue then, but now it is! Honestly, if not for the dreams and that my aged parents are also involved in helping the unfortunate children full time at home, (they still are – unpaid now cause the children are above 18 years of age), I would not have joined this place. I am bitter now cause I feel I am here to help these children in their life financially a little, giving them some sincere love and to learn to count my own blessings. Now it’s too late to join back my previous line. Who would want to employ a person as a Manager with such low education now? Again I stress, I am not saying that all those with degrees are tyrants and dictators, but working here is considered my life’s worst working experiences. My previous bosses and colleagues who were grads were not scheming at all. We had one goal, .. to improve the profits of the company and we all worked happily as a team. Now everything is so expensive. I really love to help the underprivileged but yet I also need help myself. By working here helping these unfortunate children, I am also doing a disservice to my own flesh and blood children. My children personally will not be able to inherit money from me when I die.BUT NOW, WITH US$16,000 GROSS TOTAL IN FOUR YEARS, (WORST OFF THEN THOSE ON SOCIAL WELFARE BUT WORKING) ,WOULD ANY KIND SOUL LIKE TO DONATE TO HELP ME PERSONALLY. I HOPE THAT THE VERY VERY RICH WILL BE KIND ENOUGH TO DONATE TO ME TO HELP ME BUY A PROPER HOUSE(PROPERTY). IF I HAD CONTINUED WORKING IN MY PREVIOUS COMPANY, I WILL BE ABLE TO DO SO BUT NOT ANYMORE. FOR THOSE WHO EARN LESS, PLEASE DO NOT DONATE, CAUSE YOU WILL NEED THE MONEY YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY.

IF YOU WANT TO DONATE TO ME, PLEASE CREDIT THROUGH TELEGRAPHIC TRANSFER:  M/s NG TSUI GEK
UNITED OVERSEAS BANK LTD – SINGAPORE
401-115-972-3

IF YOU WANT TO DONATE TO THE FINANCIALLY POOR CHILDREN, POOR ADULTS OR THE UNDERPRIVILEGED, PLEASE CREDIT THROUGH TELEGRAPHIC TRANSFER TO: Goh Shi Da
MALAYAN BANKING BERHAD – SINGAPORE
1-412-02-7208-9

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR KINDNESS, READING THIS BORING BLOG AND UNDERSTANDING MY PLIGHT. REGARDLESS WHETHER YOU DONATE OR NOT, MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL. NOW QUITE STRESSED, SO WILL NOT POST ANYMORE. Anyway you can see that I am quite new in blogging so please bear with me cause I don’t know how to use much of the functions yet.